Why are you here?

It's been a while...

Funny how events turn out to be...

For I, am still not over you.

I did try...
Did you know that there was someone in my life I forced to fit your role?
Did you know that it was 8 months of nothing~ness....
We took the turn around two months ago and I didn't know the extent of all its seriousness
I recently found out that I was replaced quite easily
That they were cheating on me.

Actually, I was more like an exploration tool and now I'm suffering from the actions that I did not conduct and all this blame of why that person had become what they became was all on me.

I accept that it's a normal course of life. But in all sincerity, I do hope that both of us will get along with our lives just fine. Even if there's no "us".

But I'm not letting it all go. I'm giving you six months. That's all I'm giving you.

I get it now!

Trust.

It's trust.

I'll learn to trust you.

I could say I don't feel anything anymore

And I'm almost certain with that about you.

Though, I still imagine us together
Even though there's no us. there's never going to be.
I still imagine us together.

Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse

I dream about you again.

How immature for me to think that every single love song I listen to

Was relevant in our lives.

I never had you.

I'm too scared to ever have you

I'm too afraid to chase after you

I'm too cowardly and I think of the consequences


The road is too hard. And I'm not working hard enough

Even so, you never really existed in my realistic life in the way I wanted you to.

My thoughts of you are so vivid though...

I WANT I WANT

so badly.

It doesn't work.

I'm half hoping it never will

There is no your side it's always mine.

You taste like tequila.

Words can never express how I feel

so I let someone's thoughts run it.
I can never be more truer.

I'm leaning towards someone else now.

That person is sort of a reflection of you...you're never really someone that can be compared to...

or replaced.

Probably, if I had someone in the future

I'd treat them the same way I'd treat you

In my head.

Who knows.

One I gain people I'm a user, a person full of deciet

and extremely manipulative

By the end of the day, I'd want someone to control me

Not otherwise.

You're too...untouchable.

You wouldn't know.

I can never be able to comprehend why:

• I pretend there's an 'us' in the past, present and future.
• I'm still thinking about you than focusing on the better, 'healthier' options
• Thoughts of you would completely stop me from doing any progressive activity
• I am longing for your voice.

~ This list can go on forever...
                                   There's always going to be a full stop somewhere.

Trying.

my thoughts exactly.

I got mad when you told me I was selfish a few years ago

Back then I knew little of the truth.

You are a serious idiot.

Sometimes I wished you disappear of the face of the earth

But then there would've been no one else that made me feel like you did.

Finally moving a couple of steps...

At this point I would like to say that I'm not tempted to think about you.

I think I'm moving on..

Everything is not under control

What if I just snap?

No matter how short or long your excuse is, it's always valid to me.

Someone's talking to me more often now...

I wonder if...with time, something might actually happen
We might go somewhere
And while you aren't here, I'm not exactly cheating on you

I don't know if I would like things this way...
I'd probably get over you if things are like this
But if you pop up anytime now, I'll fall for you all over again

I'm somewhat hoping that I wont see you there...
And in the moment that I write this,

You're there again.

There's a person out there waiting for me

But unless it's you, the clsoest they're going to get to is being my rebound.

I realised that most of my daydreams start with thinking about you.

The ideal scenes...
The types of conversations we would have...
Sweet ones.

How we could be alone in this world
We could be together
Even when it's cold.

Then our love can evolve into something beautiful.

How you would say 'I love you' in the most sincerest manner...

~~~

Oh right, it's my hsc.

If only I thought of things like this...

A little something like this

"Move on", "If you wait for it, you'll get it" and "Everything happens for a reason"

are the three quotes that are battling with my thoughts right now?

Today, I thought I did something pretty nice
but you were just looking at it in disgust.
The face
The eyes...
The forwn
I saw everything.

My sentiments exactly

replace heart with mind and you've got my dilemma

Second post of the month.

Someone just asked me about you
Funny how my friend doesnt really know
Who you are.

She's going to be surprised if she does.
And she probably wont understand...

Everything that reminds me of you

Are all suddenly shrinking out of view
Probably...I'm getting out of this
I'll get out of this

Hopefully.

Oh progress would be nice

My stomach churns when I say I got over you
Maybe it's some physical lie detector...

Now that I've told you my little big secret

You haven't been talking to me...
I do hope things change.

When people make promises to their loved ones it goes something like

aww babe,
I'll never let you fall
I'll love you forever
I'll always be here
I'll never hurt you
I'll hold you tight in the night
I'll grant your every wish
I'll be your everything

I'd feel sorry for them
Because I'm only human.

Thinking about mental illnesses...

It's very closely related to OCD...

Obsessive and possessive

My ignorance is kicking in.

I've been wanting to keep you

And I keep telling myself you're just a child.

I have to get over you to save my sanity.

And you don't even know a thing...

Everyone's fighting a battle.

The biggest battle so far
is with my imagination.

The next is with my confidence.

They're both getting in the way with the real war

Reality.

I must persevere...

I found your page on blogspot

Didn't have much on it but now I'm living in sheer terror that you might find my profile
(I know I'm being overly exaggerated considering the amount of people living in inequality)
I guess you finding my blogspot won't be much

Until you find out it's about you

You are, by far, the most dangerous disease

That has ever plagued my life.

completely.

One of the reasons that I don't want you

Is that I am a violent person
And I can go out of control...
I don't want to lean on you-I want otherwise
Oh, your head against my shoulder...
Smell of your skin
While I fumble with your hair
Run into your arms
And stay there forever-if forever exists


Paint you perfectly
Then stab a knife across the canvas.
Become asphyxiated by your presence
The sweet feeling of choking and  the acceleration muscular contractions...
Where are you?

I don't know if wish for you to disappear or not

Bucause I know it's not your fault.
But why are you here whem I'm here?
Can you tell me why I have images of you in my head all the time
Why, of all the people in the world...you're the only one that is constantly in my mind
And why I can wrap you in my imagination while the rest of my thoughts suffer a low attention span
Including what's beneficial for me...


Are you an angel?


Are you MY angel?

I had a dream of you today

Again.


It was around 15 mins ago


You weren't in my arms but you were there.


Funny isnt it?


I attempted to talk to you last night and you didn't even reply


Yet, I dreamt of you


I need to sort out my priorities


Desperately


And I want you out of it.

I should probably stop

I'd like to think that I'm not jealous.

just...very extremely agitated.

You dont have to tell me anything

Except for the fact that you're happy


maybe a little bit about yourself


and the truth.

I didnt speak a word to you today...

Would've been better if I didn't notice...
I dont know if I really wanted to talk to you
or that I'm happy that it's a sign of getting over...
But it's a step.


One painful step.

A razorblade and a phone call to you would be nice

Seeing your name gets me hooked on the screen immediately

And when you talk. It's like I can't go anywhere else. You're like superglue
SUPERGLUE
SUPERGLUE
I HATE YOU


I shall go live today like I never needed you. May the challenge have a predetermined winner.
ME.

I've only told you half the story

But it took so long for me to pucker it up.
It seems that whenever I have this story set in my head it never really comes together
In reality.


I said it none the less. Where ever our friendship might take us. Or where to go next.
What will tomorrow bring...
I'm like a child starving for your emotions
Give me physical fulfilment you kind figment of imagination.
_might I add as well that I have been thinking about it for over three years now.


But I said it. Only cos you gave me a glimpse of your world
Now I want to see the rest of it.


Then maybe, I'll tell you how my ending goes.

I had a dream about holding someone elses hand....

I'm pretty sure these feelings ar starting to subside...
I fee shameful for ever feeling that way towards you.

If I was Ash Ketchum,

I'd throw a pokeball at you.

-tumblr

If you lost your sim I'd send you a text message just to tell you how much I love(d) you.

Whether or not I mean it,


because I'm still confused myself..

We're worlds apart

You love the colours of sunrise
I prefer the grey of blue midnight.


That's all for now...

Self conceited, selfish, naive...

You deliberately isolate yourself in order to gain attention and sympathy from others?
What I believe that it's like some sort of "I'm thinking" time when you're in a crowd.
And how was I supposed to know that you're the only one you care about
Which is stupid really.
Then you wonder why "they just come to me", your suitors...when you invite them
Thre is an external war at the moment and they're all going for you
I'm upset at the length of time it took me to notice that this was all a continuous round robin game where the players constantly being introduced...
I don't even want to know but I can imagine the face...that smile extended to it's furthest stretch
Mind stench, manipulative pursue of a different for of enjoyment
You're a sadist. Ignorance? Oh you know too well. You're squeezing every bit of emotion from them.
How accomplished do you feel? Do you feel great every day? While you know that the bold who have come to you are facing reality of not having you.
Yet you act so blind and unaware...the whole world is self destructing
the world that I have created for you.
And to think that you actually turned my life around...makes it sound way too cliche.
And to think that I wanted to keep you just makes it seem like it's out of reach now.


But everything is moving so fast for me. Whilst I'm feeling this way I know that when you run I'm there unconditionally and always. I can't say I love you so but if you ask me I do. And If you could use me, by all means, til I'm worn out. I'm bleeding anyway. Too much blood is rushing through me and the frustration is all in my head. Only cos I feel all the feelings that would keep me magnetised to you. Pity, protection, fate...and the unspeakable
Love.


I held you once...and many times. Sometimes I want longer...tighter and more sincere. But it was just a hug and even though it's enough to call it a day I'd want more of it and I get so sick and tired of comiserating it compromises my life and I'm so deep in thought. I'd stay up once or twice during the night until three' o clock and I'm scared to death Oh did I have that nightmare again? The image of you keeps on popping up and I wanna go back in those scenes. And I want to say I'm sorry for leaving and I'm sorry for ever breaking your heart but I have to let you go even though you know not much how I feel from the start. You're my star, if you were Halley I'd tattoo you in my neck and become one with you in every moment of your breath.


And keep breathing honey maybe you should make your heart beat faster. Beat it for me beat it more just like what you did to me and tear it in half becomes mine is incomplete. You will never leave because you have just reached the inner me.

I don't love you

I'm pretty sure don't
but you know that if you run to me I'll be there:\
That means I do still love you...
a little bit
just a little bit...

Oh my gosh.

Knowing that you're there and knowing that you could possibly still be talking to me...
Makes it so hard to forget the lessons that I have yet to learn
And to think that I actually came to meet you at your destination
Then encountered one of your "suitors" makes it all the more frustrating...
YOu do deserve someone like that though...

"I think you're lonely

And you want someone to love you
I want to love you
So be brave
And love me back"


Wow. What a great quote from some psychological drama

I wanted to tear the rose into pieces

Scratch all the words that your crush put in that card.
That paper that you put your heart into.
Just something I'm not brave enough to do
You got rejected. You'll get rejected again...
You'll fight for it and you'll probably fight for it more than I will
You're stronger. I'm stuck in this solid fortress of soltitude has pride written all over it's walls.
Immaturity has gotten over me and I want to stomp on the rose you've given to my....

That person deserves better anyway.
That person deserves you more than me.

I'm in the wrong.

Someone bought you a rose.

Let's just say I got over it for now...

I'm getting stronger everyday

I'm starting to actually have the willpower to avoid you
the best thing about it is that I'm getting further and further away from that feeling.
It's great that you're not doing anything about it...or if you even notice it happening
It's certain that you're probably blaming it on the HSC's
It's probably that you're blaming it on the space we have between us
and I hope that you're not blaming it on yourself.

I can still say I love you. And most times i do wish that you're by my side...
What can I do though...I guess this is what you call 'moving on'
I am moving on right?

When something you see actually ends up being as realistic as this...

It makes me feel even more pathetic

Using you never felt right...

I always tell you my problems
Everything revolved around me...my temper...my anger and my frustration
All I ever do is complain complain and complain about my sad life.

Telling you all these things felt so right...
I felt right telling you
But when we're in a crowd it's never really right
When it's just us two we can go on for hours and hours...

I dont want to call you rebound or that I'm using you
you're fulfilling my emotions and you are the solution to my sadness anyway

I have an-awkward-conversation phobia and it's a lot of pressure when there's a crowd
Even online when I don't feel you there is awkward enough

But then again...close enough to being with you.

Online

Whenever your name pops up on my bottom right
I know I'll stay on for another hour...
and the hour after that
then I'll just wait and wait till your first words come up
it's so exciting!


Oh gosh my nights are filled with this T.T
Talk talk talk pleaseeeeee....


Awww I don't even love you anymore:\

The feeling when you come across something that never really came as anticipated...

I wait for you for SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO long
it feels like forever
I want to tell you all the things
but am i being too much of a handful?
Do I have the right to say this as a 'friend'?


Oh gee the adrenaline in my veins
Excitement...
Anticipation


Oh gosh I want to hear you talk
I want to read I want to read the words you type
text please just say anything
say EVERYTHING
I want to take in...I want to listen!


Avoid the worst fear...an awkward conversation...oh the social expectations!>.<


ahh it's dying oh gosh...


bye>.<
come again! please...

We're so proud of ourselves

That we reduce our emotions to nothing but silence

I remember seeing you one day out of the blue

Then I thought it was some trick of fate...6.6 billion people in the world and me and you were on the same place...


But then I thought...just cos we saw each other that doesnt mean we're meant to be.


We just simply met then came off


~Oh if I had my "other half" conscience at that time


I probably wouldn't have relied so much on fate.

The apparent 10 ways to love

1. Listen without interrupting. (Proverbs 18)
2. Speak without accusing. (James 1:19)
3. Give without sparing. (Proverbs 21:26)
4. Pray without ceasing. (Colossians 1:9)
5. Answer without arguing. (Proverbs 17:1)
6. Share without pretending. (Ephesians 4:15)
7. Enjoy without complaint. (Philippians 2:14)
8. Trust without wavering. (Corinthians 13:7)
9. Forgive without punishing. (Colossians 3:13)
10. Promise without forgetting. (Proverbs 13:12)


Would it be possible to bend a couple?>.<

"I was praying you and me might end up together"

I agree that it's like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert.

Just finished watching some weird romantic movie

Wow...every scene...every word...
relates...connects and I feel it so deeply
So real...so surreal and absurd
Amazes me.


I'm truly blessed to have met you
Perhaps too blessed.


I kind of want you again...maybe I do need you
Maybe we do need each other
We might have a chance...

D: YOU STARTED A CONVO.

With an intention
A question...

The things that end in you.

There's nothing to turn back to.

My heart raced when I saw you...

Maybe because I pointed you out to someone..
it was like "it's that person!"


I had the biggest smile ever. Proud.
Some of my friends know about you...
Some of my friends will not become my friend when they know about you.
It's best everything stayes still for now.
And I do hope that now means forever
It's probably wrong to think about you.
But like everyone else, I'm waiting for you to tell me.

Meaning

                                               This is probably why I never told you.
                                                    maybe you just passed it off as
                                                            a good friend thing....

It's not that I found someone else to replace you

I found someone who inspired me to stop liking you.

Grateful for those days

It's like you're not in pressure
you're like doing nothing
and you're free


When that person you love becomes the person you 'loved'
and the ones who deserve to be loved get loved and you yourself recieve love
and this valentines day, I'm not with anyone but since love is all around love will be like everyone<3


I don't suffer from loneliness or depression
and whenever I cry it's like suck it up.
Nothing has ever made me cry for more than 5 mins.


If life throws it's tantrums at you...
the answer will always and if not, eventually be; deal with it.


I'm just really looking forward to those days where I get motivated...I'm working on it
because I have just acquired appreciation.
And whenever I look at a knife...it's just a cutting tool
Not a potential solution.


I don't understand you JC...you have your ways and I confuse your intentions...
but I lived another day right?
Thank you.

My middle finger gets a boner when I think of you LOL



jks jks

I'm thinking about putting the songs that I made here...

I mean it has to go somewhere right?:\
tumblr gives me too much happiness and facebook is too social
I guess that since this has not much publicity it's going to be sad and angry
but true.


Humans have imperfections..staying quiet is one for me.
The songs are all about love...typical 'I'm can't have you' kinda thing
but it means something to me
~sort of


tuts!

MSN and phone.

It's always on for you...most of the times>.<
I'll always wonder when you will reply
When you'll come on
When you'll get off
What are your replies and how to counteract it
Touch on entertaining subjects
Maybe touch on love
Maybe I could insert an "I love you"
When you'll be back
And what can I do to make you stay

Before you know it, it's really all in the past now.
Thank goodness it's in the past

But just in case, I'll be there if you need me.

I saw your face partially today

But it's probably enough to make my day. Can't be too selfish...

You never say hi...

Mobile number

Zero.


You used to fall for that one person
Call them the one, call them special
Call them the only, call them yours
The one that dragged this heart on the floor.

When you see them it makes you feel alive
Like you can survive, another day
And there are always ways that you can make scenes


In your head "When we're together"
Repeating those three words all over again
Their voice becomes your wake up call


'I dont need you, I never wanted you and I hate you for making me feel this way'
And somehow the smile you hold seems to be the key to all the peace
Smile, you broke in irrepairable pieces.


Smile, do something that would please them.
We'll just pass by and you'll NEVER know how I feel.
And never is the time when you tell me you love me.
Then the rain comes, storm, cloud
Brain freeze, over heat, muddled up thoughts, internal bleeding.
Your best friend becomes the pillow
And those jeans that usually gets soaked as you hug your legs.
You hold your own hand.
The thing is...this heart doesn't love you anymore.

And realising that has made this life become so empty.
Spacing out..listening to a song. And it has always felt like you were there
You are here. This huge space. Take it. It's yours.
And to think the rest of this life was dedicated to you...
Of course love that never works out is unconditional
Love that has been there for three years is non existent
When your heart tells you that you're free.
Then this thought just haunts you.
Why did you disappear? Where did those feelings go?

This desire of needing you again becomes a desperate plea to save sanity
And the trouble of telling the difference between the two becomes difficult
The plan to save yourself becomes a selfish self sabotage
That's why I need you
But I have to save my pride
And make you fall first'


People call it addiction, obsession
You're a sick, beautiful reflection
And you're going to make this mind suffer and wander and the most unexpected-Stronger

This life has probably never become so miserable if it hadn't met an illusion
The biggest mindplay in reality characterised with imperfect flaws and human stupidity
Fighting for understanding and blaming the two letter word
That eventually ends up in you.
But maybe you'll never know and you'll never ever ever find out.
Because at that moment that my love for you stopped-I wish I hadn’t picked up that one missed call.